Well, so much for going to bed early tonight.
I was going to get a little extra rest this evening, to face the day tomorrow brighter. Last week was quite rough, and the weekend was very renewing, but I need to keep up the levels of energy and brightness I was able to restore.
I just can't turn my brain off and sleep, though. Not 'til I get this out.
I was on the phone, earlier this evening, with one of my oldest friends. Folks, this girl is BRILLIANT. I have been proud my whole life to know her, for her wisdom, kindness, and all-around goodness. You just don't meet people like this.
She and I got to talking, catching up. Things have been rough. I know rough, having been there really recently. I understand way more than I want to about where she is. Enough to know, she is in a place where she doesn't want advice, doesn't need it, it wouldn't be put to use.
Like me, she struggles with depression. Like I have in the past, she's in a relationship with someone who currently has too many problems of his own to be the pillar she needs on her worst days. Worse, she's facing the judgment of well-meaning friends because her man has had some run-ins with the law. Now, I'm a big believer in the redemptive power of love. I also know it's difficult and rare.
It's not a time to judge, and unsolicited advice would do no good. I've been the depressed. I've been the over-thinker, the over-empathetic, and the enabler. I've wasted a sad amount of years on tasks, insurmountable mountains, people, and emotionally-squishing places because... well, I didn't know I deserved better. I hear these words come out of her mouth, all the reasons she just doesn't have the time or resources or whatever, to change her circumstances for the better.
And it sounds like something I could have once said myself. And sometimes it's still hard to remember, not to fall back into that pattern.
Honey, I've had my fair share of days where I was unemployed or underemployed, scared you-know-what-less, having panic attacks or murdering an entire bottle of wine and then crying myself to sleep in helplessness.
It's as simple as just looking yourself in the mirror, saying "I deserve better and I will not try for better -- I will just DO IT." It's just that simple. And simple does not mean easy, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
The slings and arrows we face daily are not all so big, but they are as impossible as we make them, y'all.
It may not be something as tough as relocating far from everyone you love, like I had to do. It may not be as hard to contemplate as being told you need to leave the one you love, for the sake of your own self-dreams. It may not be as scary as quitting the job that pays the bills, so you can build the company of your dreams.
But I'm willing to bet you, too, are holding something over yourself. Where are you holding back from doing your best?
I remember a line from one of my new favorite movies, Kamikaze Girls. "Humans are cowards in the face of happiness."
What are you doing today to prove that quote wrong in your own life? What are your excuses and how can you shoot them down for the prize?
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